Destroying our television set, and shutting down of the satellite service seemed like a good thing to do when we moved to Marble Mountain Ranch.   After all, we were making the move to remote and rural climes largely to escape the very influences transplanted into our homes via the TV we carried with us.

So when you are used to unwinding to the background dribble of a network sit-com, what do you do with all the extra time once the sun has set?

For me, the man of the house, it meant entertaining my wife and children with my witty and engaging anecdotes, and stories of my glorious past, and stories of my sordid past, and more stories of my obscure and meaningless past.

“Gosh Dad, we’ve all heard that story before” became the family mantra. My first attempts at enlivening the conversation were to create engaging settings in order to set the ambiance for a good yarn. I could enthrall my captive family audience by moving the stories outside and away from the dinner table!  This often meant sitting on the tailgate of the truck in the dark hours of the night to watch the embers of a 24 foot diameter burn pile. We could stay warm and dry in the middle of a thunder storm by stoking the fire with slash from our efforts to reduce forest fuel load. Yes, I could tell more of the old  stories while watching the ever changing hues of a midnight bonfire.  The family would all be hypnotized by the glorious evening extravaganza viewed from our truck bed.

This did not work so well. No matter how big the bon fire, the stories were too redundant and over played. This early time in our ranch tenure is often noted by family historians as the point of origin for the “Somes Bar Department Of Redundancy Located In Somes Bar”. The redundancy department of Somes Bar located in Somes Bar was short lived, and quickly gave way to the new and much more engaging “Somes Bar Liars Club”.

It turns out, that a twist in the familiar story line, that leads to a new and unpredicted conclusion is a far more interesting yarn. As I practiced my craft during the coming years, I moved from a student of tall tales, to a fanatical and devoted artisan of the marginally true proclamation. Ultimately, my family crowned me as the president of the Liars Club. The title of “Master Bubba-Meister” was soon afterward bestowed by my adoring minions.

Somes Bar Liars Club President

Master Bubba Meister

As President of the fledgling S.B. Liar’s Club, it became apparent that there was room for growth and expansion of the club. The possibilities were endless in my view of a Liars Club empire. I took the business model of the local Amway Dealers, and started to sponsor talented newbies in a multi-tiered liars club, and to provide guidance and counsel in their pursuit of fabricated short-liners. All but the most talented and proven truth detractors were limited to a maximum of 3% falsehood in any storyline. This led to the most credible conclusions and could ultimately enable success of newbies by reducing instances of entrapment by conflicting story points.

One of my earliest club successes came when I engineered a hostile take-over of the “Slow Talkers Of Somes Bar”. These untrained and frequently mind altered story tellers would speak slow enough that the listener would finish the sentence, incorrectly, for the speaker. This unwittingly would lead to a falsehood that was credible, because the deviant conversational path was provided by the listener!  I thought this was masterful and brilliant in its simplicity. The “slow-talkers of Somes Bar” were immediately annexed by the Somes Bar Liars Club with no resistance. In fact, they still do not realize that they have been annexed.

Somes Bar Liars Club President

Liar’s Club President and Founder of the Somes Bar Chapter

Well, I promise to continue this genealogical analysis of the Somes Bar Liars Club in a future blog post.   In the meantime, you can all sign up for the club newsletter, with just a nominal $75 subscription fee. I also promise to send it to your doorstep on a timely monthly schedule, or perhaps bi-monthly.

Remember, avoid tipping your hat back and breaking eye contact, as it shows insincerity.  Also, newbies should avoid showing the hands.  A fidgety and nervous hand reveals your cards as a novice, and is likely to lead to an entrapment by our mortal enemies, The Truth Hound Society of The Great State of Jefferson.

Doug